How to write a eulogy, step by step

A short note before you start

This guide is general information for the United States, not legal, tax, financial or medical advice. No agency regulates eulogy content. The steps below reflect how funeral homes and public-speaking organizations teach eulogy writing, with specific guidance for writing about a father or a mother.

What is a eulogy?

A eulogy is a short spoken tribute, usually given at a funeral, memorial service or celebration of life. Toastmasters International puts the goal plainly: "a eulogy should not be the chronology of a life but a tribute to it"³. That sets it apart from an obituary, a written, published account of someone's life and key facts. For a fill-in-the-blank starting structure rather than the process below, see the eulogy template guide.

How do you write a eulogy, step by step?

Writing a eulogy is less about finding the right words on the first try and more about following a process: confirm your time, gather stories, pick a few, draft, and cut. NFDA's own guidance for a sole presenter is to hold an informal meeting with family and friends to gather information and stories before writing anything¹.

1. Find out how much time you have. Ask the funeral director, celebrant or officiant, and whether others are also speaking. NFDA recommends 7 to 10 minutes for a sole speaker but only 2 to 5 minutes with 1 to 3 stories if others are also speaking¹.
2. Brainstorm without editing. AARP's suggested method: write the person's name in a circle, add their outstanding qualities around it, then branch out from each with a specific memory⁵.
3. Gather stories from other people who knew them. Meet in person, by phone, email or video call, and note who told you each story so you can credit them¹.
4. Pick a theme and two or three stories, not a full biography. Toastmasters International recommends limiting a eulogy to a small number of main points rather than a chronological account³.
5. Draft three parts: an opening that states your relationship, the stories, and a short closing. NFDA's guidance for the opening: "Start by mentioning your relationship to the deceased. Those assembled to pay tribute to your loved one will want to know who you are and why you're standing before them"¹. For the close: "end on a consoling and meaningful note"¹.
6. Read the draft aloud and time it. If you're well over your target, cut a whole story rather than trimming every sentence a little.
7. Ask someone who cares about you to read it back. AARP suggests checking whether there is "too much of me in it," since the tribute should center the person who died⁵.
8. Practice out loud more than once, including the hardest lines, and accept that it's fine to pause, cry, or read every word from notes. NFDA is direct: "it is okay to cry" and "it's okay to use notes"¹.

How long should a eulogy be?

Recommendations vary slightly by source but land in the same rough range: a few minutes if others are also speaking, up to about ten minutes if you're the only one.

¹,⁴

Does a eulogy cost anything, and do any rules govern what you can say?

Writing and delivering your own eulogy is free, and no agency regulates what it contains. The one place eulogies intersect with funeral pricing is when clergy deliver one as part of officiating: the FTC's Funeral Rule lists "officiating clergy" honoraria among the "cash advance items" a funeral home may bill back to you, and it must disclose in writing if it adds its own fee on top, though not the amount⁶. Some families instead hire an independent celebrant or eulogy writer, who set their own rates; there is no set national price.

The closest thing to a content rule applies only at VA national cemeteries, where federal regulation says VA will "respect and defer to the expressed wishes of the personal representative for the content and conduct of a committal or memorial service" (38 CFR § 38.619(c), checked 2026-09-21). Outside VA cemeteries, private funeral homes and houses of worship each set their own norms for length and content, so confirm with whoever is running the service.

How do you write a eulogy for your father or a dad?

The stories that work best for a father eulogy usually come from what he did rather than what he said: a habit, a way he showed up, a phrase he repeated, a skill he taught you. Apply AARP's lesson directly: instead of telling the room he was "hardworking" or "dependable," describe one specific morning, project or phone call that shows it, since a concrete scene stays with listeners longer than an adjective does⁵.

A few starting points if you're stuck:

• A specific thing he taught you, and the moment it clicked.
• A phrase he used often, in his own words if you remember it exactly.
• How he showed care through actions rather than words.
• One story where he got something wrong, told with warmth. NFDA's own guidance is that imperfections can be touched on kindly, compassionately and with humor¹.
• What you learned from him that you now pass on.

If several siblings are speaking, agree in advance on who covers which part of his life, so the service doesn't repeat the same stories.

How do you write a eulogy for your mother or mom?

For a mother eulogy, the strongest material is often sensory and relational: her voice, a routine she kept, how she made people feel welcome, or an act of care during a hard time. The same rule applies: a scene beats a description. Toastmasters' guidance to focus on "meaningful stories, anecdotes and quotes" rather than a list of accomplishments holds here too³.

A few starting points if you're stuck:

• A tradition she kept, and what it meant to people around her.
• Something she said often, in the moment it usually came up.
• A time she showed up for you or someone else without being asked.
• How her presence changed a room, described through one specific gathering.
• What she passed on to you that you notice in yourself now.

If several people are speaking about her, divide by role, such as parent versus friend, so the tributes complement rather than overlap.

What should go in your eulogy checklist?

Print this list or save it with your notes.

• Confirmed whether you're the only speaker or one of several

• Asked the funeral director, celebrant or officiant how much time you have

• Brainstormed the person's qualities and a specific memory tied to each

• Called 2 to 3 people who knew them well for their own stories

• Chosen a theme and 2 to 3 stories rather than a full biography

• Drafted an opening that states your relationship to the person

• Drafted the stories, in the order they'll be told

• Drafted a short, consoling closing line

• Read the draft aloud and timed it against your target length

• Had someone else review the draft for tone and balance

• Practiced out loud more than once, including the hardest lines

• Printed a backup copy or brought notes

• Saved the final text for the family's records

What should you record in a family guide?

Once a eulogy is written and delivered, the useful record afterward is knowing where the final version and the stories behind it live, not redoing the emotional work. This is the kind of information a family guide keeps in one place: who spoke, a saved copy of the text, and any memories the person would want mentioned if they're planning ahead for their own service. A note in your family guide about a favorite memory or a person you'd want to hear from saves whoever writes it from starting on a blank page, the same problem the funeral planning checklist addresses for the rest of the service.

What mistakes do people commonly make writing a eulogy?

• Trying to cover an entire life. A eulogy is a tribute, not a biography; Toastmasters warns against turning it into "the chronology of a life"³.
• Staying too abstract. Naming a quality like "kind" or "strong" without a story to back it up is the most common weak spot, per AARP (checked 2026-09-21).
• Making it about the speaker. Have someone review the draft and ask whether there's "too much of me in it"⁵.
• Skipping other people's stories. Writing alone at the last minute, without calling anyone else who knew the person, usually produces a flatter eulogy.
• Not timing a practice read. Eulogies almost always run longer live than in a quiet room.
• Not preparing for emotion. NFDA's guidance is direct: it's fine to cry, and fine to read every word from notes¹.

When to get professional help

Most people write and deliver their own eulogy without outside help. Consider a funeral celebrant or professional eulogy writer when no one in the family feels able to write it, when the family can't agree on tone, or when grief makes it hard to start. If public speaking is the barrier, write the eulogy and ask someone else, a friend, clergy member or the officiant, to read it aloud. For grief support beyond the service, the National Institute on Aging's guidance on coping with grief and loss covers finding a support group through a hospital, senior center or religious group⁹. A grief counselor, not a eulogy writer, is the right resource if the loss feels unmanageable.